I really feel like I can focus more now - my whole life I have been so distracted and overcome with longing for SO many things. So many interests have always drowned me, and having to choose 3-5 (the recommended amount to focus on from many sources) has been almost impossible, but I realize now that just because I FOCUS on a few things, doesn't mean I can NEVER do the others - they just won't take up the majority of my thoughts or energy - they are just meant to be sporadic. They aren't what sets my soul aflame.

And so, what does? Those will be the focuses, always. And today is my day to make a PLAN.

I will be 40 this year, and that is crazy to me. It's easy for me to forget because I look in the mirror and it does not compute, I feel like I am 18, younger people relate to me, and so on - but fuck, 40 - if I live to 100, I am only a decade away from mid-life. I do hope to live forever, or at least way longer than most people, as long as it is with QUALITY.

(Take care of yourself NOW so that you are not totally fucked LATER - cuz it'll happen. Look at 99.9% of everyone else).

So my focuses, as I always have known, honestly:

1. Writing
2. Surfing
3. Martial arts
4. Health/raw foods
5. MUSIC (what I always wanted to do as a youth - I need to honour that part of me).

Everything else is minor to these. Things I love, like travel, will be PART of these - but I should not focus on travel ITSELF as my interest.

Same with things I have always wanted to do like...learn to ride a motorcycle. Do I really care THAT much? Not really. I can go for rides with my friend and then I don't need to spend money and time on learning, buying a bike, and risking my damned life because pretty much every person I know that rides motorcycles has had an accident. Sporadic easy rides are enough for me, thanks!

And hula-hooping? Meh. I really don't want that to be my crowning achievement in life.

These are just examples of minor interests that have obsessed me at times, but really...they are wastes of time, and take AWAY from the top 5 things I REALLY want to focus on.

I also want to put art/photography in as a sixth, because those are super important to me, too, just not AS important.

Anyway, stuff like fitness...this is way more alluring when it is focused on succeeding at SURFING or Ninjutsu, and not just to "get fit" or "look lean." So then "fitness" loses it's typical meaning and instead becomes a PART of my main focus automatically because it helps me succeed more at my main goals/loves.

I am yattering on, but yeah.

When I read back on my 25 years of journals, I see how much of my life has revolved around men (or boys) and that is fine and normal to a point, but I really want to focus on me. Those things are ultimately more rewarding, plus I am lucky to already have a great dude in my life.

Even if that didn't work out, I am no longer even interested in LOOKING for someone, and I think this is a problem for so many people - the greatest people I have ever had chemistry with, who I have loved SO MUCH have ALL been people I have met organically, where over time chemistry was obvious and built up. The more you become yourself, the more you work on yourself and become awesome, the more people are just drawn to you. It is magnetic (as is health and happiness).

I don't even know why I am rambling on about that, but just in case you are in that sort of situation, that is really the answer, and I can attest because I was the opposite way for like the first 16 years of my love-life.

Anyway, off I go into the depths of my brain to pull out everything I need to splash on paper.

Excerpt:

It is more important than ever that we do it NOW, because some lunatic could just kill us at any time – a person who chose the wrong fork in the road – someone who never really got to be who they were truly destined to be – that denial of their possible greatness led them to nefarious choices. They could shoot us in the face while we sign autographs. Slaughter us while we dance at a nightclub. Murder us while we are in our car. Mow us down while we celebrate life with others. It’s impossible to know.

Unless you live through an ordeal where you almost lose your life, you may never stop taking life for granted.

Hey guys,

I am reaching out again trying to get donations so I can get to this event. I know it's not the most imminent thing that needs funding, but in terms of helping out someone who wants to reach their goals that you KNOW and have known online for years, and to help someone who wants to do good in the world and help women (and guys) rise up to defend themselves and others - consider it, please! There are many rewards for certain donation amounts including artwork, health coaching, my zine, postcards, undying love, etc.

Even if it's only $5, I appreciate every bit, and it all adds up.

Donate? :)